Dear Ass,

Congratulations on your recent media attention. It’s a telling time in history when a woman’s ass can be more famous than the woman. With your undeniably impressive proportions and your ceaseless media exposure you have achieved a status in our culture previously only available to people. As a sexual object, oiled and buffed to perfection, your voice is now more powerful than any other ass in history. I hope you will use your fame to bring attention to the plight of your fellow female body parts whose voices are so often silenced.

Ankles, for example, are desperate for this kind of sexual objectification. For more than a century they have been all but ignored. Victorian culture did not neglect the ankle as we do now, and understood its elegance and erotic potential. Eyeballs have also suffered, with their only attention being the occasional oculolinctus. Although the women themselves might complain about this constant dehumanization and sexualization of their body parts, you and I both know that the body parts themselves crave the attention.

While some may poo poo your talents, I admire your ability to balance a champagne glass, as the famous ass of freakshow star Sarah “Saartjie” Baartman, AKA the Hottentot Venus, did before you. It’s a noble lineage of ass glass balancing.

What factors have arisen in our culture to allow your ascent into the annals of history? I believe it’s the repression of sexuality that has made way for your meteoric rise. If everyone had access to ass without guilt and shame, then we would have no need to fetishize and deify an ass, even one as magnificent as you. You would be relegated to the simple status of just another body part of just another woman, no more notable than a graceful arm or a strong calf.

Congratulations again on your unprecedented media frenzy. Never in the history of ass has an ass made such a huge impression.

Polly